i can’t find it for all my efforts.

too much on my mind. too much sugar running through my veins. my hormones (its that time of the month, kids) are tricking my emotions and i find myself in a funk early this morning.

and i’m tired. that deep in your head and bones tired. which is probably why i can’t be bothered with capital letters at the moment.

5 performances in 48 hours.

most of it has been crazy good. there is nothing better than telling such a sweet story. but its been a lot harder than i expected. each time you want to make it good, to make it count. and that requires your focus and energy. it steals your feelings and gives them away to a willing audience.

tonight i’m thinking about lost things. and stepping forward and back.

i know i probably sound vague and cryptic. forgive me. its 2:37 am.

and i have to be up at 9:30 am.

i was just reminiscing tonight on something that is gone. and its good that its gone. my heart is a lot healthier and happier for it. but every once in a while that sneaky emotion of regret catches up with me as well as this all-too-familiar longing for affection and my head gets jumbled again. and my heart gets wistful.

the truth: Jesus loves me. this i know.

tonight that has to be good enough. it is good enough.

i have a hunch i’ll read this sometime in the near future and roll my eyes at these late-night ramblings.

“when they ask you what you’re thinking of, say love.” -the avett brothers

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howdy folks.

know its been awhile, but life has been crazy busy. so here is just a brief update of what’s coming on my horizon.

To Kill A Mockingbird

Whelp, I got cast ya’ll! The last few weeks of rehearsal have been such a wonderful growing experience for me as an actor. Even though my character isn’t the main one (Miss Maudie), I have grown to love her so much. Having this opportunity has grown me so much as an actor and I’m ready for the public to see how much work myself and the rest of the cast has put in. Now we just have to clear the hurdle of tech weekend (starts at 9:30 am tomorrow morning…)

If you’ve never read the novel by Harper Lee, I highly recommend diving into it. It’s a classic for a reason! The story is so heartwarming, for real. At least watch the movie. Gregory Peck makes quite a handsome Atticus Finch if I do say so myself…

OR, if you’re interested in coming to see GCSU’s production, here’s the info:

Who: GCSU Theater Department

When: Sept. 15-19. Wed.-Sat. performances at 8 p.m./Sunday at 2 p.m.

*it is recommended to arrive at least 30 min before the performance begins

Where: Russell Auditorium, Georgia College and State University, Milledgeville, Ga

Tickets: $13 (can be bought online here or at the Box Office)

It really will be a great show. There is nothing like live theater, so if you’re interested please com support our department. You won’t regret it!

5k

When I turned 19, I was so sick of hearing that it was a boring life year squeezed between the years of 18, 20, and 21 where significant changes occur in your life. So I decided to make a bucket list of things to do while I was nineteen. Things like finish my quilt, take a roadtrip, aaaaand run a 5k.

yikes.

sometimes I like hard things. I like that feeling of knowing that I have accomplished a goal. That I have put in the time and effort and with the Lord’s help I have done something I never believed I could do. Because at this point a 5k seems unthinkable. impossible. This body does not run well. But how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

I’ve created a schedule with the help of some online tutorials about running a 5k in 5 weeks. oh yea, cuz I only have 5 weeks.

its a lot. but its doable. one bite at a time, remember? The goal is to run it in 30 minutes. I think I can do that. I start Monday and I’ll keep you posted on the progress of my training and the eventual outcome of this insanity on October 16.

writing contest

There is a writing contest being held this month at GCSU and the prize is $1000. And I’ll be honest, that’s a major factor in why I’m entering. But as I started working on my entry, a short story about a true life experience, I realized that it was really to get that experience out on paper. To tell the world what really happened, no matter if it seems cheesy or sappy. And whether I win or not, I’ll be glad that I’ve done that. And maybe have the guts to share it here.

We’ll see.

In other news, I might be getting a job at with the fast-food corperation Sonic, and I have a lovely case of poison ivy.

But life’s generally been swell. I am in a struggle with the Lord at the moment. I’ll blog about it soon I hope. He’s been teaching me a lot about me lately. Which sounds weird but has been completely necessary.

That’s all she wrote.

Night!

I’m a fan of rest. of taking a break. of tuning out the rest of the world for a bit to refocus.

it seems silly that I already need to rest. It’s only been a week. But its been a crazy week of up and down emotions, nerve-wracking auditions, revisiting old situations, meeting new people…

And I need a bit of a retreat this afternoon. To sit in my bed and stare out the window. To write. To work on a friendship bracelet. To spend time with Jesus. To lament about this stifling summer and wish that I could be back in Scotland.

wowzers. there is simply nothing like it here.

so if you need me today there is a possibility I might be under my new quilt, high in the sky. [simply because my bed is a zillion feet tall above the ground]

Something you may not have known about me is that I had PCOS.

For those of you who aren’t up on your medical acronyms, that stands for Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. This can mean different things for different women. Sometimes it means that cysts grow on your ovaries which can rupture at any time and cause some serious pain, for others it means your hormones are imbalanced, sometimes it can affect your metabolism and weight-control, your ability to get pregnant…I could go on and on and on about the symptoms. But suffice it to say that there is no known cure, doctors are only able to treat the symptoms as they occur.

I was officially diagnosed with PCOS 3 years ago, but I had been experiencing the symptoms since I was about twelve years old. I’ve struggled consistently with an inability to lost weight even when diligently dieting and exercising,I┬ádidn’t get my period until I turned 16 (probably the best one, haha), and perhaps the most difficult symptom: dark, coarse hair grew on my face on the sides, chin, and neck like a man’s beard due to the amount of testosterone my ovaries produced.

For many years I simply bleached, waxed, plucked it away. I mean, I hope no one noticed. But on the inside I felt so ugly and undesirable. Because even though I was taking hormones and birth control and several other pills to medicate this and my other symptoms, nothing seemed to help.

I prayed and prayed that God would heal me and I had gone to receive healing prayer several times with no change. It was the most frustrating thing. I knew that God does heal and loves to heal. So why wouldn’t he just heal me? Did He want me to stress over periods, facial hair, body issues, and the idea that I could possibly never have children?

(for the record, of course He doesn’t. that was just me being melodramatic.)

So rewind a bit to February 2010.

There is a campus ministry at GCSU called House Church which partners with a church in Milledgeville called City Harvest. I had gone to a service one Tuesday night knowing that I needed a break-through. I had been struggling in general spiritually and felt just a heaviness that I couldn’t shake. That night the pastor of City Harvest was speaking at House Church and to be honest, I have no idea what he spoke on. I just remember that it impacted me enough that I spent most of the ministry time sobbing, my spirit just grieving.

Finally, I went to receive prayer from the pastor (not even thinking about the PCOS) and when I go up to him I ask for just general prayer. And he said to me something like this that floored me:

“I just see Jesus standing behind you with His hand on your shoulder and He wants to heal you tonight.( this of course makes me cry even harder because I had somewhat given up hope to ever be healed) I feel like its something that you have to take a lot of pills for…”

Oh man. I just managed to sputter out a cliff-notes version of PCOS and that yes, I take a lot of pills, and off he started praying for healing. Just a simple prayer, asking the Lord to release his healing and love.

And I’ll tell ya’ll, even after that, I mean, the guy saw Jesus behind me, I had like, zero faith. And the next day I got my period. The next day. And I’ve continued to get it every single month since then, regularly. God is so good, ya’ll!

And because I felt like I was healed I felt good about asking my parents for laser hair removal. I know, major bucks. However, the Lord just gave me favor with them and after some prayer we started treatment. And after just one, the hair hasn’t come back! I feel like this is such a gift from the Lord, that now I have to share it.

I’ve been afraid to tell people up until now because to be honest, I felt like it was a fluke. But there are no flukes with God. He cares about my period. He cares about the hair on my face. He cares that I see myself the way He sees me.

(which I was beautiful even with the hair. The Lord told me that.)

And the reason why I felt like I should share my testimony was because I am done putting out my wool each month like Gideon, hoping that my period is going to come. I am trusting the Lord that it will continue to come. And yesterday at City Harvest, I got a chance to tell that pastor this testimony and he was awed at the power of God as well.

I just want to encourage you today. If you’re struggling with an issue and you have yet to see God move, have faith. He wants to meet you where you are. He cares. His love overcomes death, and it overcomes your circumstances. Trust Him, for He loves you more than you will ever know.

so I’m beginning sophmore year with a challenge to blog more because either I’ve either been trapped on a desert island with no computer or I’ve been incredibly lax about blogging in the last 9 months. I’m gonna go with the latter. sorry bout’ that. I think I’m going to have to blame it on college and my general lack of discipline(which by they way, I’m trying to work on-but that’s a completely different post). so my goal is to blog every week, week and a halfish as it suits me. or until I can collect enough amusing anecdotes to create a decent sized post. actually, that last part is sort of false, cuz it actually isn’t about me at all. its about Him. (betcha didn’t see that one coming)

mostly I want to write about the great things God is going to do in my life this year. I’ve been through a lot of changes in the past year, some not so great and others amazing and life-changing (mainly this past summer). hopefully at some point I’ll have time to go into all the details about my internship at Riverstone Church or my mission trip to Scotland. they are both definitely worth blogging on because God did some incredible things in my life through them. He is good, that God.

and as I said, to His name be the glory.

last year, I don’t believe my life reflected that. this year, that has to be different. I’ve learned things that have changed my relationship with Him and if I continue to walk where I was a year ago, I will be walking in disobedience.

I believe God is calling me to something different this year. and I want to have the courage to be different. at this point its still kind of a moment by moment prayer, but eventually I want that prayer to become reality. I want to walk in the plans God has for me because if there is one thing that has become crystal-clear it is that out of His will there is no good thing(Psalm 16) . it will all eventually fall away.

so along with all the college hubbub of classes, studying, friends, and theater stuff I want His light shining. even if its hard. actually, I think I need it to be hard.

whoa. that’s a dangerous thought.

and by hard I mean out of my comfort zone. because only there do I truly depend on the Lord and not myself. only there am I really salt and light because people start to understand that I’m different simply because I’m not walking in my own strength. they start to ask questions.

wowzers. lots of revelations for almost 12:30 am.

basically, I want to walk in the fullness of what God has for me at GCSU in the 2010-2011 school year. and not that its up to you to keep me accountable (if there actually is a you out there), but if you have any encouragement I’ll take all that I can get. especially from Him. encouraging is one of His strengths.

Whew. Its been a while since I’ve updated. Sorry bout’ that. Recently I’ve been embracing college life in full force and that hasn’t left much time for blogging, despite my extreme desire to do so.

I’m making friends, diving into theater, praying for the campus, swooning about the impending fall…

In short, I’ve gotten into a routine and I like it.

But the topic I’ve planned for the day does not involve Milledgeville or GCSU. Well, not entirely. It does involve one person from GCSU. I have this awesome friend Steve. Super great guy, comedian, fellow theater-english major, etc. Needless to say, we’ve become fast friends. Just friends. Only friends. So keep your giggles and your “Amy has a boyfriend” thoughts to yourselves please.Trust me, when that happens I’ll shout it from the rooftops.

So prior to last night, Steve had never seen a professional show. So I promised him that I would take him to see a show at Atlanta’s very own Shakespeare Tavern. I love the place, you see excellent theater along with eating delicious food.

So the journey begins…

We set out from Milledgeville bright and early to Atlanta. Armed with a mixed Carbon Leaf CD and a nap (Steve) we made it to Marietta just in time for family lunch. He seemed to be a big hit with the fam, especially John-shocker. My little brother is somewhat of a talker, and he was thrilled to meet someone who could keep up with him. My dog however got a little feisty, hence the scratch on my cheek.

After a quick coffee stop with my b-fry Katie Caldo, we trek back to Hot-Lanta. Literally, the best car ride of my entire life. Atlanta hit radio was in rare form Saturday afternoon, and we cranked the jam all the way to Little 5 Points.

I love Little 5. And it was awesome to hang out there with Steve. We walked around in and out of shops, people watching, etc. And then the adventure really began. After braving late-afternoon deadly Atlanta traffic we found the Shakespeare Tavern, but alas, the Tavern does not come adjacent to a parking lot.

No big, right? WRONG. Oh the best laid plans. Did anyone know that the BET Awards were being held in Atlanta last night? If so, I wish we could have been made privy to this information beforehand, instead of turning down a side street to find semi-convenient parking and lo and behold the plethora of pedestrians and the many lots dedicated to the guests of this particular ceremony, but unfortunately not two desperate white kids.

So with no parking to be found, we loop back around relatively easy for Atlanta standards, Steve notes the local homeless, and eventually we find a lot. Of course, we’re not dressed for the theater, but its no big deal to use my car as a portable dressing room. Steve and I take turns donning our finery and then I sit in the front seat to touch up my makeup. I leave the door open, again-no big, right?

HUGE big. Big mistake that’s what. So, disclaimer before this next story. I have no issues with homeless people. I help them out when I feel led too. In short, this next anecdote is not to poke fun at their situation-just ours. So I left the door of the car open. I am quickly applying my makeup and all of a sudden this homeless man comes up to the door asking for spare change.

Not going to lie, he startled both of us. But the guy is semi-joking around with us, telling us about how he has no teeth (so he can’t bite us) and his plans to later buy a PB&J. I give him a handful of change, but he’s still standing there, talking and asking for more, and inching closer inside the car door. Really close. And then he reaches into his pocket for god-knows-what and I almost have a panic attack. Steve tells me later that he grabbed his keys in that moment, ready to defend us.

Luckily, such drastic action was avoided when the homeless man only wanted more change. I happened to find a little more and after some small talk, he finally stumbles away. Nervously laughing off the strange/scary encounter we get to the Tavern unharmed and all is well.

When we got inside, Steve was getting really excited, it being his first professional show and all. It was great seeing him so stoked, I trust the picture below accurately depicts the moment.

DSCN1491

The show was BRILLIANT. Watching quality professional theater never fails to remind me why I do what I do. Not only do I enjoy myself, but seeing a stellar performance pushes me to do better when I act. Steve and I laughed our way through As You Like It and it was seriously awesome spending time with such a great friend. You know when you experience these meaningful moments with people? This was definitely one of those.

As we exit the theater, still glowing from the amazing spectacle, we encounter yet another homeless man asking for change. Unfortunately we truly have none to give him, and simply walk by. So of course he follows us. That is, until Steve reaches into his pocket for the now infamous key weapon. I tell you, the kid is street-smart. The homeless man gives up and turns away. And all is well, again.

So then we decided to hit up the BET Awards before we headed back to Marietta.

Not.

We did however get crunk in the car on the way back to my house. You gotta love the radio. But, if I have to hear “Tonight’s Gonna Be” one more time, there’s gonna be trouble.

Oh Atlanta, you never fail me.

Pat yo weave, ya’ll.

It cannot be 12 days since I last blogged.

Whoops. And when I say whoops I mean major whoops. Sorry ya’ll.

My last two weeks have been extremely busy and have involved some roadtrips. So I’ll just bring everyone up to speed and then we can get on with business as usual, shall we?

Labor Day Weekend. The only words I have are the following: Nascar. Need for speed. Gentlemen start your engines.

I suppose I should back up. You didn’t know I was a Nascar fan? Well neither did I. That is until Labor Day weekend. So my cousins had this deal on race tickets at Atlanta Motor Speedway (henceforth to be called AMS) . It was a major race because apparently, and I’m not quite sure how this nugget of history escaped my knowledge, but AMS did not have the proper lighting technology to hold a night race. But now they do. Thus, the historic race and my current plethora of Nascar knowledge.

So even though I wasn’t a Nascar fan, I decided to go so I could hang out with cousins I don’t see very often. You know, hang out with the fam a bit.I planned to go, sit in the student section, poke a little fun at the, ahem, brand of people who frequent these events.

Instead, I end up sitting 10 rows from the track in amazing seats (thanks Uncle Mark), watching these cars go by super fast.

OMG. HELLO. Nascar is LOUD people. Like breaking the space time continuum loud. I had to by these earmuffs just to stand sitting in my seat. But aside from the noise factor, the race was strangely exhilarating. There were several incidents where drivers spun off the track, etc. which definitely kept it interesting.

So I’m not saying I’m this crazy Nascar fan. I mean, one race did not change my whole perspective on the sport. But I have a healthy respect for those race car drivers. Especially my new fav-Tony Stewart #14. That’s wassup.

And then if that roadtrip wasn’t enough, I went home to Marietta this past weekend.

SO GOOD.

To see people that I haven’t in a month (has it really been that long?!), people that I truly love was such a blessing. To go back to my church, to see some of my best friends Katie and Kathy and laugh with them was precious. They are some of the craziest, Jesus-loving, hilarious friends a girl could have. You both have a personal future bridesmaid invitation, and those are coveted spots my friends.

One more thing and I’ll hush up (for now).

Prayer request: There are a few of us here at GCSU who are meeting twice a week to pray for this campus. Our heart is to see God move through this campus in power and love. We’ve been at this for about 5 weeks, meeting Monday and Wednesday mornings at 7am. Its been a little bit rough, so any prayers you could throw our way would be awesome!

Okay, so short post today.

I just want to let you guys know about two new things that I have discovered over the past week or so.

First being this website: stumbleupon.com. Go ahead, click it. You know you need want too. All you have to do is create an absolutely free profile where you get to tell them what you’re interested in, for instance my interests are Christianity, art, theater, music-you get the picture. And that’s IT. They do all the work finding awesome websites you might be interested in. I’ve already found some cool ones. So if you’re web surfing needs an upgrade, this is the site for you.

Secondly, I have a new song. Its not spiritual song, but its become my new soundtrack for this week. Its called: I Still Think, by Darren Criss. If you like the acoustic John Mayerish vibe, then you’ll definitely like him. He’s not a full-fledged artist, just a guy trying to make it by posting music and videos on myspace. Which I have to say is part of his appeal. I like unknowns. So go here if you want to take a listen: www.myspace.com/darrencriss. The song isn’t in his playlist box, if you scroll down the left side of the profile its the seventh youtube video down. And if you like it, you can buy the song here on Amazon.com, I Still Think. Its the fourth track down on that playlist. And give the other stuff on his myspace a listen, cuz its good.

Peace and love ya’ll

It’s one of the things I’ve missed most about home. In Marietta, I attended Riverstone Church and have done so for about the past ten years of my life. That church has helped me grow so much in my knowledge of who God is and how much he loves me. Without Riverstone, I truly don’t think that I could have cultivated such an understanding on my own.

And the people there have also shaped my life in tremendous ways. I have made some of my best friends ever in that church, from a range of different ages that have come together to love Jesus. That church is such a beautiful place, filled with Jesus’ presence. And when I left for college, it was one of the hardest things to leave behind.

But I felt the Lord telling me that I couldn’t find my Christian identity in Riverstone, or in the friendships I found there. He reassured me that our relationship in the secret place could be just as intimate as the worship led by Daniel Bashta in the Riverstone sanctuary. On some level I already knew this was true, that our alone time with Jesus is the time that counts the most, the time that can be the sweetest, but it was good to let that truth sink in.

My friend Emily is the older sister of my of my true best friends, Olivia. Because Emily and I both go to GCSU, she thought it would be a good idea to look me up. So the other day in the cafeteria, Emily comes over to me and invites me to the church she attends, First Baptist of Milledgeville.

Now I confess, that while I have been doing quiet time with Jesus, in the past two weeks I have not been as proactive about finding a home church as I could have been. In a way I’ve been nervous that I wouldn’t find a church as ‘good’ as Riverstone. When I prayed about my fears to the Lord, he gently reminded me that it doesn’t have to be all about the prophecy, the healing, as long as his spirit and love are present.

Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that those spiritual gifts are important and that they can be used effectively to bless and to minister. But the most important thing is to find a body seeking after the love of Christ and the rest will fall into place.

So Emily invites me to church, and even though I had been planning to attend the Wesley service that night something in my spirit said “go“.

Ya’ll, last night was such a sweet time of fellowship with these people who truly loved the Lord. Surrounded with a myriad of ages, good Southern food (wouldn’t be a Baptist church without it), and the Spirit. The words the pastor spoke rang with such truth that I almost teared up several times and it was like the message was directed right at me, one I’ve heard a lot these past few weeks but still doesn’t make it any less powerful: God has everything under control, and he does everything for a purpose.

I want to go back. I don’t know yet if this will become my ‘home’ church for my time in Milledgeville or if God will point me in a different direction to another campus ministry but for now, in this little Baptist church, God’s spirit resides there. And that’s where I want to be.

Today I’m in Athens visiting friends.

I had to make a road trip. And there is a funny story.

Basically, its a straight shot from Milledgeville to Athens if you don’t take the interstate. Because I’m relatively a novice when it comes to solo road trips, I knew that the hour and a half I was about to spend in the car were bound to be interesting. I mean, I’m not afraid to admit that I hate getting lost when I’m driving. I know there are those who find that getting lost is an adventure, and more power to them, I just can’t count myself among them. It stresses me out, I panic, my palms sweat. Basically, its not good.

So I drive about 45 minutes from downtown Milledgeville until I finally get to the I-20 entrance. But I’ve decided not to drive on the interstate to Athens, I’ll take the backroads way-the way my cousin told me would get me there. Which is to basically go straight on 441 north until I hit Athens. No big, right? WRONG.

There are little green signs that greet me as I continue to drive away from I-20 and get further into the back roads of Georgia. They say ‘Athens 40 miles’ in decreasing amounts to let us drivers know how close we were. Let me just say, that I was counting on those signs to get me there. Each green square made me feel safe, like I was on the right course and wasn’t heading to Timbuktu. Which with my sense of direction could have beenentirely possible.

And then, approximately 30 miles outside of Athens, the green signs were no more. Remember the sweaty palms thing? Yea, not good. So I may have slightly started to panic. And did I mention that its growing dark? Also not good.

So basically I spent a half hour panicking that I had missed a turn or did something wrong until another sign showed up FIVE MILES OUTSIDE OF ATHENS. What were people thinking?

Needless to say, next time I’ll be map-questing. I don’t think my poor heart can take that kind of stress.

But I got here safely enough. And am ready to explore Athens with some good friends. Hope everyone is having a lovely day!

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